OMFG. Today was a BIG day. Not only I ate different breakfast( which was muesli with milk and a banana!), I didn’t panic about hour of dinner, which was also not what I planned before, I spontaniously met with a cousin, I bought a new cute coffee maker, I didn’t panic about GAINING 0,5KG. (which is pretty fucking great, I know that now) BUT:
I GOT MY SEXUALITY BACK. Yes. I am so fucking shocked that I’m not even embarassed to write about it. It’s something compeletely new for me! For this new me. When I was taking a shower, it came to my mind to pleasure myself. At first I was a little bit afraid to let everything go, but decided to try later in bed. And I did. I let myself do things I used to do when I was ‘me’ in 100%. I took out my little 17thb-day gift, layed in bed, set up a video I liked best and did it. Omg, It feels so fucking great. I pleasured myself. I let it go. I feel good. I feel BEING ME. I don’t wanna loose it till tomorrow. Please, let me keep this awesome feeling forever.
Who knows, maybe it’s the influence of the movie I watched today. If it can be called ‘watching a movie’ since I was doing a lot of different things while the movie was playing. But I think it might cause the idea in my head. If it did, I’m glad it happened. I wanna be normal. I wanna look normal.
Today I was on a trip with my mum and R. We went to the Japanese garden. I took my camera and took some photos but R. also took some pics of me with my mum, and when I later uploaded them on my pc and watched them, I realised how bad I look… It’s weird how different I feel/ see myself, comparing to how I actually look. I wanna look like I think I do, not how it really is. And I’m gonna make it. I just need to fight with A. Just like I did today. It was a good day…Right now, I think I feel happy? I guess I can call it that way, but I’m not sure if it actually is happiness. But it’s for sure hope for better days to come! They are waiting for me. The world is waiting to be explored by me! I wanna feel the whole world!
Have a fucking awesome night, mr.nobody. I think I will.